The Importance of Thanksgiving and Giving Thanks

Sometimes it is important to stop and take time to appreciate the important things in life, how fortunate we are, how blessed to have made it this far. Family is often the one constant in many peoples lives, and even if the relationship has been testing at times, family is often the one part of our lives that cannot be denied. Even when times have been tough there are still things that we can be thankful for and often the tough times are the very reasons for people pulling closer together than before.

An important part of many people's lives is their family. These are the people who know everything about us and accept us anyway. Many families will have had their stressful times. Money worries, divorces, health concerns can test a family to the limits, but often the result is that when they come together again, through the difficulties, the bonds become stronger as a result. They know more about each other, and still continue to love, accept and support each other. Family loyalty is a powerful connection.

And often family are the very people who motivate us to carry on through difficult times, sometimes without the need to say a word. The thought of their support, the desire not to disappoint them or let them down, the thought of how much they have done for us over the years, the sacrifices they have made, can be enough to give us that extra surge of energy, desire and enthusiasm to carry on.

The festival of Thanksgiving is a special time of sharing and appreciation of the family. More Americans travel home for Thanksgiving than for any other festival, including Christmas. It is a quiet indicator of how important family ties are regarded, more important than receiving presents or throwing opulent parties. Many people travel miles simply to share this special meal with their family.

The relevance of stopping for a time to celebrate the bond and connection that you have together is important. However long there may be it is important to acknowledge the different generations as they gather together. Reminiscencing about past experiences, telling anecdotes, sharing news. Remembering not to take family for granted. It is important to demonstrate that these important people matter. Taking the time out of ones regular day-to-day life, knowing that ones whole family is traveling to the family home to share a meal together. Committing to be with parents, siblings, children, communicates with actions that these people are important and are worth the effort involved in making the journey.

Roots, heritage and traditions are often at the heart of many families. Whatever else is going on in people's lives the rest of the year, there is a constant theme and connection of family values, attitudes, outlook which are reinforced with the time spent sharing meals, celebrations, being reunited. Taking time to stop everything else and say 'thank you' with actions says it all.

Susan Leigh is a Counselor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

DITCH YOUR DATING FEARS

Yes, dating can be scary! You’ve got such high hopes and you’re putting your heart on the line, so it makes sense you’d find yourself a little freaked. But don’t let your jitters ruin a rendezvous. Here’s how we can help make that happen: We decided to address some of the most common insecurities that people experience in those early dating days. Our simple tips help you turn your worry into a “Wow, that was fun!” feeling.

Dating Insecurity #1: “I’m not my date’s type.” 

Stressed that Mr./Ms. Adorable won’t approve of your looks, outfit, career, personality, dating history, etc.? This line of thinking won’t do anything but make you a nervous wreck. A better bet? Flip it. “The purpose of a date is to decide whether you want another one, not whether the person likes you,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. So just act as if your date is the one auditioning for approval—because it’s true. “This will allow you to relax so you can enjoy the moment,” says Dr. Neuharth.

Dating Insecurity #2: “I’m going to do something stupid.” 

You worry that you’ll spill red wine in your date’s lap, choke on a nacho, slip on the sidewalk or have some other mortifying mishap… suddenly you’ll be every shade of red and your date will think you’re a dork, right? Think again. Even if something like this were to happen, here’s the upside: Showing your vulnerable side can actually endear you to your match. “Some happy couples’ fondest memories and oft-repeated stories are about early embarrassing moments, like snorting when laughing or dipping your sleeve in soy sauce,” says Dr. Neuharth. “When you see another person being embarrassed, it humanizes that person and you feel a natural kinship.” So if the unimaginable happens, laugh (instead of freaking out or apologizing over and over all night) and embrace that you’re now part of the “embarrassing dating moments” club.

Dating Insecurity #3: “What if I have to let this person down eventually?” 

“Before a date, I always worry about how I’ll handle things if I don’t want to see the guy again and he’s into me,” says Christina Avion, 32, Los Angeles, CA. “I feel terrible about the prospect of having to reject someone and can work myself up into a real state over it.” Hey, it’s nice to be concerned about your date’s feelings, but a candlelit dinner doesn’t equal signing up for happily ever after. “As the saying goes, you can’t make a good omelet without breaking a few eggs,” says Dr. Neuharth. So quit over-thinking and deal with turning the person down when and if it’s actually necessary. Should that be the case, Dr. Neuharth suggests replying with “I don’t think we’re a match” or simply “No, thank you” when you’re asked for another date. And while it feels like you’re delivering some huge blow, try some perspective: “Letting someone down shows that you respect the person’s time, and most adults can take care of themselves,” says Dr. Neuharth.

Dating Insecurity #4: “I’ll accidentally offend my date.” 

You roll your eyes at the mention of a pretentious film festival, only to realize your dinner partner was actually inviting you along. How do you recover? “If you offend someone, the magic words are simply ‘I’m sorry,’” says Dr. Neuharth. You can’t possibly know everything about your date, so you may unintentionally cross a no-no line. If you apologize sincerely but your date is still touchy, then you probably wouldn’t work out with that person long-term anyway. But if he or she appreciates your contrition, you can move on to more interesting (and neutral) subjects.

Dating Insecurity #5: “I’m so bad at small talk.” 

Feeling conversationally challenged? Whether you tend to talk a mile-a-minute or go silent and slack-jawed, hiccups in first-date banter can be panic-inducing. “I went out with a guy who barely spoke, so I found myself spilling personal information about myself, my family and my job just because I couldn’t handle the silence,” admits Jennifer Byrne, 35, Minneapolis, MN. If you tend to blab when you’re nervous or to fill an awkward silence, remind yourself that it’s not your job to carry the conversation single-handedly. “Your date is capable of coming up with things to talk about, too,” says Dr. Neuharth. “Pause, listen or even break the ice by saying, ‘Don’t you hate awkward silences on dates?” A tactic that’s good for people who tend to clam up? Always have a couple of great conversation-starting questions in your back pocket, like “What’s the one weekend activity you never get tired of?” or “What adventures do you hope to have before the year is over?”

Dating Insecurity #6: “The ending of the date is always awkward.”

Stressing about the goodnight moment before you even order dessert: Kiss or no kiss? Shake hands? Go for a hug? Ask for another date? The best solution is to let your gut guide you. If you had a good time, say so with feeling. If you didn’t, just say “thank you.” And if you’re not sure whether to smooch, just smile broadly, squeeze your honey’s hand, and turn to depart. It gives your date the perfect opportunity to make a move without any weirdness if he or she doesn’t go for a kiss. “If you two clicked, there will be more dates and the endings will become easier and probably more delicious!” says Dr. Neuharth. Which is a nice thought that you can use to calm your nerves during a date.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based writer whose work has appeared in publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Women’s Health, and Fitness.

CAN FRIENDS BECOME LOVERS?

Nearly everyone has had a close friend who’s fantastic, funny and always there when we need a sympathetic ear... and make us wonder “What if...?” True, anyone who’s watched When Harry Met Sally knows getting passionate with a pal is tricky. But if it works, it’s romantic. So if your buddy’s been on your mind and you want to see if you can be more, than read on for some step-by-step advice from relationship experts and real people on proceeding without losing face—or the friendship.

Step 1: Look before you leap

THINK! You might be on the verge of something wonderful, but then again, it might be a fleeting moment of loneliness or lust. While waiting for waves of friendly feelings is a wise idea, you should also ask: Why haven’t you dated this person before? “Sometimes it's simply that you met when one of you was involved in a relationship or something else distracting, like writing a doctoral dissertation, caring for an older parent or whatever life put on your plate,” says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in New York City.

If true—and if this hurdle has disappeared—then it might be time to redefine your relationship. If you both had windows of opportunity to get intimate and passed, then maybe it was for good reason. The bottom line: Figuring out what’s triggered your change of heart is crucial. “It might be because your friend comes through for you in a crisis like no one in your life ever did, and this makes you realize how special this person is to you,” says Mantell. If that’s the case, does that mean a romantic relationship is in the cards? Another possibility is you have given some thought to your patterns in relationships (in therapy or by yourself), and realize you would rather date a “nice” man or woman.

Step 2: Test the waters

So you’ve decided your emotions are real... but what about your friend’s feelings? Are you on the same page? Or is the object of your affection unaware that you could click? To determine the answer, ask yourself: Are you the first person he or she shares good (or bad) news with and vice versa? Is he jealous or critical of your dates and partners? Is she possessive about spending time with just you rather than along with others? Does your friend compliment you as a date would (i.e., “You look beautiful in that dress” or “Man, you’re looking handsome today”)? Is the amount of time you are spending together increasing? A “yes” to several of these could mean the attraction is indeed mutual.

You can also drop hints, which can plant the seed in your friend's mind if he or she hasn’t entertained the idea. Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How To Change Your Words And Change Your Life, suggests trying something like, “You know, I date, but none of the people I go out with really compare to you,” or “I was talking to Jane the other night and when she bumped into us she thought we were on a date. Isn’t that funny?” “If the other person says something like ‘Yeah, I was thinking that too. It does seem like we’re dating’ or, if he or she smiles, it’s a good reaction,” says Puhn. If your friend looks uncomfortable or changes the topic, that’s not a good sign—but since your comment was innocuous, it should blow over.

Step 3: Make your move

You’re sure the sparks are on both sides... now what? Should you lunge in for a lip-lock the next time you’re together and pray your pal doesn’t recoil? The prospect can be terrifying, so consider a more subtle move like taking her arm or reaching for his hand during a movie or while walking around—it’s so innocent he or she won’t likely pull away, and it’ll help your pal get more comfortable with getting closer. “You may have thought about this for a year, but the other person may have only been trying to process the idea for thirty minutes,” says Puhn. “Remember that everything can’t happen in this transition in one evening!”

Bashful types might also consider this stealthy move: “Say, ‘I wonder what it would be like if we were dating,’” suggests Mantell. “This style of musing and imagining is good for a safe but playful start which could lead to a kiss or a conversation about dating at the very least.” If the person says, “Let’s just be friends,” Mantell suggests you be ready to reassure its OK. But recognize the possibility things may become weird. If you decide to continue hanging out, you can alleviate your buddy’s discomfort (and your own) by talking about other people like a new co-worker or an online cutie’s profile.

Step 4: Steam things up!

It happened: You two are kissing—and maybe more. While it might be nice to think you’ll click instantly since you know each other, familiarity can work against you. “The first contact might be awkward,” says Mantell. “Our society is more accustomed to romance built on pure fantasy, and that is harder to do with a friend.” Mantell urges that transitioning couples shouldn’t give up right away if the chemistry is off. “Acknowledge the uneasiness, make a joke saying something like ‘Well, we know each other too well to be relaxed.’” Another option is to promise each other you’ll go really slowly until you get used to this new situation. “A classic sex therapy technique is foreplay only, no intercourse, until both people are really comfortable,” says Mantell. Try it until you have to break the no-intercourse rule... and then you know the technique worked.

One major caveat: While having sex doesn’t have to mean you are officially an item, the fact you’re already so close can raise romantic expectations. So whether you’re interested in pursuing a serious relationship with this person or just out to satisfy your curiosity and keep things casual, it’s crucial you communicate your expectations and hopes—and have a handle on his or hers—before getting hot and heavy. Just say, “I’m really attracted to you but want to make sure we’re on the same page so nobody’s feelings get hurt…” and explain your stance from there. You two may forge ahead even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, but at least it’s on the table. Everyone you sleep with deserves that much, but friends especially do, don’t you think?

Step 5: Announce your new status

If you seem to be hitting it off, you may wonder whether to make your relationship public—after all, you may be excited, worried, or otherwise dying to talk about it with someone other than the pal you just got passionate with! But breaking the news also requires some caution. The rule of thumb here? Find out how your new amour feels about it and always defer to the wishes of the more private party. Keep in mind that as soon as you involve friends and family, there will be more pressure on your evolving relationship, so it’s OK to give yourselves time to adjust.

Also keep in mind there’s a difference between keeping your relationship private and secret. In other words, you may want to let certain people in on the news—especially those close to you both. Those are the people who might feel deceived or left out if they learn your couple status later on. In those instances, one of you (both may feel like you're ganging up) should take that person aside and say, “You know how John/Jane and I hang out all the time? We both realized we liked each other, and now we’re dating.” Answer the questions honestly, but keep in mind you shouldn’t spill all the details; when in doubt ask yourself, “Would I talk about that if my new partner were in this room?” If the answer is no, keep your lip zipped.

Also know that while you may try to be discreet, people will probably start getting an inkling that something has shifted, and it can be damaging to deny it, says Joyce Catlett, author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships. “Don’t try to hide the status of your new relationship by holding back physical expressions of your tenderness and affection when other people are around,” says Catlett. “Protecting yourself this way can have negative consequences and can make you feel more self-conscious or awkward, even during those times when the two of you are alone.” The bottom line is, you and your pal-turned-paramour should be ecstatic you’ve found a soul mate so close to home. Who cares if you’re fodder for the gossip mill?

DATING SAFETY

Dating can be a fun and rewarding experience. Unfortunately, dating also has a dark side not to be overlooked. Although meeting new people can be fun, many dates start off with being asked out by a stranger. Although, you may want to go on a date with this person, always be cautious.

For unknown reasons, people who won’t give out any personal information over the phone will date a stranger without making inquiries about their residence. If you are asked out on a date, ask that person where he/she lives. If they don’t tell you, they could either be lying or hiding something.  Reasons for not providing an address may include:

•they  live in a bad neighborhood;

•they don’t have a permanent residence or could be homeless;

•they live with mommy and daddy; and

•they may have a spouse

If dating a total stranger, it may be best to meet at a public place. This gives you an advantage. Here are a few of them:

•You can decide when you want to leave;

•If your not comfortable giving your address to a stranger, a public place is best; and

•If your date gets intoxicated, you can drive yourself home.

Here are some ideas for great public meeting places. These places are typically full of people:

•Lunch or Breakfast date

•Coffee Shop

•Art Museum

•Dessert date

Now, here are some not-so-good meeting places to meet:

•The woods

•After hours at a local park

•His or her home

•Alone on a beach

Some of these not-go-good places may be fine after getting to know your date but may not be suitable for a first date.  Other tips include carrying your own money in case you need to leave. Also, if possible, let a friend or relative know about your date or bring them along…strength comes in numbers.

If you are feeling really uncomfortable about a date, follow your intuition and just say no. It’s definitely better to be safe than worry about hurting someone’s feelings.  When dating, always take safety measures. 

How Flirting Works

Imagine that you have no idea what flirting is. If you haven't flirted yourself or seen it happen (either in real life, in the movies or on TV), you might wonder exactly what those two people are doing. They're showing interest in each other, but they don't actually come out and say it. In fact, it's usually considered crass and crude to do so. Instead, they dance around the issue -- joking, complimenting each other and using physical cues to show their true intentions.
At its most basic, flirting is simply another way that two people can closely interact with each other. But when you get into the intention behind flirting and exactly what flirting entails, things get much more complicated. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual -- sometimes, it's just friendly banter without any other intentions. Sometimes one person has romantic intentions and the other one only has sexual ones, or doesn't even realize that he's being flirted with.
­
­­Misunderstanding the signals can lead to some uncomfortable and embarrassing situations. The most important aspect of flirting is the intention behind it. Sometimes the words used are very innocent, but the speaker's delivery, expression or mannerisms make them appear flirtatious. It can be difficult to know when someone is flirting with you or who might be receptive to your flirting.
In this article, we'll examine the standard signs of flirting. We'll also look at the biological factors that lead to flirting and explore how flirting has changed through the years.

The Scientific Flaws of Online Dating Sites

Every day, millions of single adults, worldwide, visit an online dating site. Many are lucky, finding life-long love or at least some exciting escapades. Others are not so lucky. The industry—eHarmony, Match, OkCupid, and a thousand other online dating sites—wants singles and the general public to believe that seeking a partner through their site is not just an alternative way to traditional venues for finding a partner, but a superior way. Is it?
With our colleagues Paul Eastwick, Benjamin Karney, and Harry Reis, we recently published a book-length article in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest that examines this question and evaluates online dating from a scientific perspective. One of our conclusions is that the advent and popularity of online dating are terrific developments for singles, especially insofar as they allow singles to meet potential partners they otherwise wouldn’t have met. We also conclude, however, that online dating is not better than conventional offline dating in most respects, and that it is worse is some respects.
Beginning with online dating’s strengths: As the stigma of dating online has diminished over the past 15 years, increasing numbers of singles have met romantic partners online. Indeed, in the U.S., about 1 in 5 new relationships begins online. Of course, many of the people in these relationships would have met somebody offline, but some would still be single and searching. Indeed, the people who are most likely to benefit from online dating are precisely those who would find it difficult to meet others through more conventional methods, such as at work, through a hobby, or through a friend.
For example, online dating is especially helpful for people who have recently moved to a new city and lack an established friendship network, who possess a minority sexual orientation, or who are sufficiently committed to other activities, such as work or childrearing, that they can’t find the time to attend events with other singles.
It’s these strengths that make the online dating industry’s weaknesses so disappointing. We’ll focus on two of the major weaknesses here: the overdependence on profile browsing and the overheated emphasis on “matching algorithms.”
Ever since Match.com launched in 1995, the industry has been built around profile browsing. Singles browse profiles when considering whether to join a given site, when considering whom to contact on the site, when turning back to the site after a bad date, and so forth. Always, always, it’s the profile.
What’s the problem with that, you might ask? Sure, profile browsing is imperfect, but can’t singles get a pretty good sense of whether they’d be compatible with a potential partner based on that person’s profile? The answer is simple: No, they cannot.
A series of studies spearheaded by our co-author Paul Eastwick has shown that people lack insight regarding which characteristics in a potential partner will inspire or undermine their attraction to him or her (see here, here, and here ). As such, singles think they’re making sensible decisions about who’s compatible with them when they’re browsing profiles, but they can’t get an accurate sense of their romantic compatibility until they’ve met the person face-to-face (or perhaps via webcam; the jury is still out on richer forms of computer-mediated communication). Consequently, it’s unlikely that singles will make better decisions if they browse profiles for 20 hours rather than 20 minutes.

How Online Dating Works

One of the basic human impulses is to develop a romantic relationship –- and maybe even fall in love. But there are a lot of obstacles that might keep someone from meeting the love of his or her life in today’s world. Maybe dating co-workers is against company policy. Perhaps you hate the bar scene. You might not be in the right mood to meet your soul mate while you’re trekking through the grocery store.

People of all ages, lifestyles and locations have been facing this problem for decades. In the last 10 years or so, a new solution has arrived to help lonely hearts find their soul mates: online dating.

­Online dating is simply a method of meeting people, and it has advantages and disadvantages. The variety of dating sites is constantly growing, with many sites focused on very specific groups or interests. There are sites for seniors, sites for Muslims, sites for fitness-oriented people, sites for people just looking for friends and sites for people who are interested in more adult activities. In this article, we’ll be focusing on the most basic type of dating site –- one that works to bring two people together for a romantic relationship. While this article applies to the majority of popular dating sites, the rules and practices of any given individual site may differ.

Once you decide you're going to give it a shot, the first thing you need to do is create your profile. See the next page to get started, and learn what online dating is like, find out how (and if) it works and get some helpful tips on making your online dating experience safe and successful.